Bittersweet Cocktail
by Felicity Dream
Summary: Instead of just taking the blame as always, Rachel holds her head up high and lets herself be bitter and angry, and forces the smile away. She knows she was wrong, during the promiscuous video fiasco, but she won't be sorry for it. Jesse forces her reasons out of her and can't help the end. Angsty AU.


Disclaimer: Nope, just a fanfiction writer. I would be a man, if I owned it, wouldn't I? So nope.  
Story: Instead of just taking the blame as always, Rachel holds her head up high and lets herself be bitter and angry, and forces the smile away. She knows she was wrong, but she won't be sorry for it. Jesse forces her reasons out of her.  
Set after S1.17 "Bad Reputation."  
Spoilers: **Definite spoilers** for the back nine, and definitely for the first thirteen episodes.  
Warnings: Language, probably OOC but meh…  
Pairings: Rachel/Jesse

**Bittersweet Cocktail**

The silence rang out in the room after the three boys erupted into anger. Rachel's smile dropped from her face and everyone could see a myriad of emotions cross her face.

And then it settled on a foreign emotion to them on her face.

A sneer in anger.

"Oh, is that it? I _used_ you? Like the many times you used _me_? It's just a video, Finn. I didn't go around kissing every guy or telling them I liked them when I had a pregnant girlfriend to the side. Or before she knew she was pregnant. Or how about that time when you chose football over Glee and the rest of us? Wasn't _that_ because of your reputation? What? You think because you're Mr. Sensitive and care about my feelings now that I didn't forget about those incidents, that it changes anything, especially what you've done? They still happened, Finn, and you never apologized for the past."

She turned resentful eyes to Puck.

"You're an idiot, Noah Puckerman. How can you feel hurt? I didn't sleep with you and toss you to the side like every other girl. You're as much of a man-whore as Mr. Shuester is being called. Except it's actually true with you. All _I_ did was stuck you in a video. I didn't slobber and grope all over you because you're a Jew and my mom wants me to date a Jew. Thanks very much by the way. It makes me feel _real_ confident. I'm a person, not a race, jerk."

She avoided looking at everyone else, but she definitely didn't look to Jesse.

"I don't even want to go on to the rest of you. What? Do you think I'm blind and deaf? Do you think I don't hear you talking about me? And it's not teasing, not when I hear the slight tone of malice and irritation in it."

She turned to Quinn, eyes narrowing, and for once there was actually _hatred_ in her gaze. Rachel didn't say anything yet, but she did communicate easily through her eyes.

'_I know you did it.'_

'_I hate you. I hate everyone in this room. And I hate this damn school.'_

Rachel's sneer turned briefly into a snarl before settling back into a sneer.

"I hope the baby well, Quinn, but I hope you get what's coming to you."

She turned on her heel and left the room without another word.

Silence reigned supreme.

Rachel didn't appear in ballet. She wasn't waiting for him by his car after the after school activities they share. She was nowhere to be found. So he chased her down.

The only other place he'd thought of was her home.

He didn't delay and went straight there, and surprisingly Rachel opened the door calmly and without making him wait.

Jesse swallowed, "I want an explanation."

It was strange, but she looked at him in amusement.

"Do you now? I left you for last because I'm pretty sure our little talk needs to be private. Come in, Jesse."

Her dads aren't home because he knows Hiram and Leroy are on another business trip. So suitably the house is quiet, and he found it eerie.

Music is always blaring in this house when there's still light out.

"Sit," she murmured.

"Rachel, why would you do that? Why put us all in the movie? Why did you have to put _me _with _them_?" he demanded.

She didn't answer for a second, choosing to pour hot water into two cups and putting their favorite blend of herbal fruit tea into the water. He took his and waited patiently, though he wasn't sure how long it would last.

"Do you think I'm stupid, Jesse?" she asked instead quietly.

Jesse blinked at her in confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

Rachel sat across from him and smiled grimly.

"Did you think I would be blinded by your pretty face, your pretty eyes, and your pretty voice?" she asked mockingly, looking at him disdainfully.

His jaw dropped a little and he's not sure where this Rachel is coming from.

"I'm not stupid, Jesse," Rachel said stoically. "I know you're going to hurt me. I know why. I've known since the beginning without a single word."

'_You're a spy.'_

He heard that, even though she didn't say it aloud.

"So I hurt you first. It's early payback. Yes, I desperately wanted to be popular, but a part of me deep inside…wanted every one of you boys in the movie because a part of me wanted payback. Finn for using me, Puck for his inconsideration…and _you_ because when you hurt me later on, at least you would have this to know and remember, _to haunt you by_, with the knowledge I hurt the great Jesse St. James first.

"When you hurt me, Jesse, I will have the greatest satisfaction to hurt you before you hurt me. And you will remember that."

'_For the rest of my life,'_ he knows and somehow, no one really knew Rachel and never knew how much she hurt and wanted to crack and lash back at them all. Not even Jesse.

"Are we breaking up?" he asked quietly, solemn, and inside he doesn't want to admit his heart is breaking.

"Goodness, no," Rachel gave him an honest smile, and confused as he is, he was happy about it. He smiled back, waiting for her to continue. "We're not breaking up. Promise."

He was happy and reassured and he just wanted to kiss her. So he did.

Rachel was back in school, in all her classes, but she wasn't in Glee or her afternoon activities. She told him that she just needed time and he told everyone else who were worried what Rachel said and that she just needed space.

The week passed quickly and on the morning of Saturday, Jesse drove to her house, eager to spend time with her and happier that the whole spy and secrets thing was off his shoulders. Seeing the house, though, he felt dread pool into his stomach and he wasn't sure why.

He parked and ran out of his car, leaving the door open. At least he remembered to turn off the engine.

He rang the doorbell and no one came to the door. That was unusual. All three Berry's like to be prompt and they usually knew it was him at the door, opening it without delay.

There was still silence, and music still wasn't blaring from the house.

Swallowing harshly, he reached for the doorknob and to his surprise and alarm, the doorknob easily turned and he pushed the door opened.

In horror, he realized the entire house was empty and deserted.

Stepping in hesitantly, he called out for his girlfriend.

"Rachel? Rachel! RACHEL!" with no answer, in panic, he ran up the stairs and to her room, seeing nothing but the carpet and wall and everything erased of any traces of his Rachel.

He ran around the house in abandon, calling out for any of the Berry's.

"Rachel! Rachel! Hiram? Leroy! Rachel, please!"

When he'd gone around the entire house and realized there was nothing at all left of the family who'd lived there, he'd lifelessly trekked back to what had been Rachel's room and looked around.

Blinking, he realized he'd missed the vanilla envelope wedged in between the window and the windowsill. Taking it, he slid his thumb under the sleeve and took out the perfectly folded paper inside. He read it and wished he hadn't. There was only a simple message on it, addressed to no one, but he knew it was meant for him.

_We're not breaking up. I'm leaving you._

He tossed the letter aside and sat in the corner of _her_ room, sitting down and leaning his head against the wall.

He closed his eyes and wept.

When his uncle asked him where he had been –_he hadn't been lying about him_ –he just shrugged and realized he'd slept over at the Berry's…at a empty house and only woken up the next morning, trailing to his car with the door still open, and driving back dead inside.

He didn't tell his uncle –_'Totally true, Rachel.'_ –that, of course. Instead, he gave an indistinguishable grunt and walked up the stairs to his own room where he'd lain on his bed and went back to sleep.

It was going to be his routine for a very long time.

The next day, he reluctantly got up, took a shower, dressed and drove to school. Monotone –_'You wouldn't have liked that, would you Rachel? Gotta be full of life.' _–and somehow he wondered about that stupid spy plan and how gone to shit it had.

He never should have told Shelby he'd do it.

'_I know, I know, Rach. It was a stupid idea. Stars like us have to have __**some**__ morals at least.'_

The day was like a blur. All he remembered was that he sat in the back of every class, stayed quiet, and when the teacher called on him he just looked blankly back. He began to act like this everyday. Pretty soon, the teachers had learn to stop asking him questions and even if he was alright. It was clear that he wasn't.

One day, Mr. Shuester called on him to stay after class. It was the first time anyone had acknowledged him in a long time.

"What's going on, Jesse? I haven't seen you or Rachel all week for Glee…In fact, I haven't seen Rachel at all. What's going on?" Mr. Shuester repeated worriedly.

Jesse blinked at him tiredly.

"What was that, Mr. Shuester?"

The teacher nearly gaped at him before repeating his worry.

Jesse just sighed.

"Rachel's gone. She moved. She left. I don't know. She's just not here," Jesse told him, voice monotone.

'_I __**know**__, Rachel. I'm sorry, but I don't feel up to it anymore. I miss you.'_

Mr. Shuester grimaced before a look of understanding and sympathy was on his face.

"If you ever see her again…tell her I'm sorry."

_'I think he's saying he's sorry for how the club treated you, Rachel, and because even he was hard on you sometimes. But we are hard to reign in. It's just how we are, Care Bear.'_

"I got it, Mr. Shuester," Jesse whispered, looking down.

The Glee club director hesitated before he plunged on.

"Jesse, maybe you should try going to Glee today? It might help. The two of you really loved music…maybe singing might help you feel a little closer to her."

Jesse wasn't sure about that, but he nodded and decided it was worth a shot. Rachel would have wanted it anyway. Or at least he thought so.

_'What do you think, Rachel? Should I? It sounds good, right? Singing is our passion, can't let you run ahead of me now.'_

He waited for Glee club to come and when it did, he came in to another room full of stares.

"Where've you been, man?" Mike asked, because everyone else was too busy questioning with their eyes.

"Where's Rachel?" Finn cut in.

Jesse looked blankly at them before sitting in the corner by himself and pulled an empty seat next to him, wishing Rachel really was there to sit next to him.

Mr. Shuester came in, looking even more tired than when Jesse first told him about Rachel.

"Hey, guys…I just talked to Principal Figgins and the administration office…and Rachel's gone. She's been ready to transfer to another school since a week ago."

_'A week ago. You were all set to leave the moment we had that talk. You never meant to tell me, Rachel. Why just leave? Why didn't you **tell** me?'_

Jesse looked blankly up at the ceiling, feeling the others staring at him again, but he didn't want to look at them.

Glee practice that day was solemn and everyone sung well enough, but they weren't really feeling the music. Especially since it was obvious Jesse's heart didn't seem to be in it, and he more often than not just stopped singing at times to stare off into space.

After practice, Jesse went up to Mr. Shuester and gave him a halfhearted smile.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Shuester. But I don't think I can do it. I can't be in Glee any more. It just doesn't feel right without her."

Mr. Shuester nodded in understanding.

"It's all right. Any time you change your mind, you're always welcome back, Jesse. Can I ask what you're planning to do now?"

Jesse shrugged, "Finish school, I guess. I don't know. I'm kind of lost right now."

"If you need to talk, Miss Pilsbury is always willing to help. Or myself. Don't keep it in, Jesse. It'll hurt you more that way."

_'But I need to hurt. Because you want me to hurt, right Rachel?'_

Jesse went back home and repeated his routine. Grunt hello to his worried uncle, go upstairs, lie down on his bed, and sleep everything off.

Life didn't get any easier.

He did his work, got good grades, but isolated himself so much that he was like a statue. The other Glee kids tried to reach out to him, but he had been so unresponsive that they gave up.

The Latina cheerleader had been even more persistent than any of the others. She tried cornering him in the boy's bathroom, flirting with him whenever she could find him, and sat next to him in Spanish once and cupped him through his pants.

_"Get your hand off of me," he hissed._

_"Oh, come on. She's gone. You're free and available. She was a loser anyway and you should start celebrating being single again."_

_"And being single doesn't mean I'm looking to catch an STD, you slut," he sneered, and he wondered where all this anger was coming from or those words. It was unlike him and yet he felt like it had been building up these past days._

_Was this how Rachel felt and how she'd suddenly blown up?_

_Did they all have some kind of limit and in the end they'd burst in some kind of anger or some kind of emotional overload?_

_'Rachel, did you just get fed up with all of us that you just didn't care anymore? When things just got too much, did you just say forget it and stop caring? Or did the words come bursting out of your mouth without restraint because **subconsciously** you knew you'd had enough?'_

_He hadn't even noticed how quiet the class had gotten or that by the end of the day he'd just completely ruined Santana's reputation._

_Everyone knew the cheerleader slept with anyone she could. But by Jesse's words, she'd gone from hot to slut and with an STD while they were at it._

_Jesse couldn't find it in him to care or feel any sympathy. There was nothing in him that said 'I'm sorry' except to the one girl who mattered._

That incident earned him a week in detention with Mr. Shuester who couldn't find it in him to reprimand Jesse too harshly and only looked at him sympathetically and understandingly. It washed over him.

At least Santana was suspended for the same amount of time for molesting him.

When she came back and the gossip was still going strong, she glared at him so fiercely he was sure he was going to burst into flames. But she never got back her reputation; well not as long as he was there. And boys definitely avoided her like the plague.

He barely noticed.

But after that, the others stopped trying to reach out to him completely.

Senior year didn't go well for him. But it didn't go bad either. It just happened. Classes sped by, and he didn't bother to go to the senior trip. Prom came upon them and the special night was like hell for him.

Instead of going with his class, all of whom he didn't know, didn't bother to get to know, and basically pushed aside in favor of first the real Rachel and then the Rachel in his head after the real one left –he went to the empty Berry house, set a table for two with a candle lit in the middle, scattered roses all around Rachel's room, and sat there eating alone. Not even the Rachel in his head joined the lonely Prom dinner.

He kind of wished he'd knocked over the candle and set the house on fire with him in it.

He graduated from McKinley High and lived the ordinary common life of a person stuck in Lima, Ohio, and a life he had sworn never to live and had strived all his life to escape from.

And all along he'd forgotten to report back to Shelby, forgot to go back to Carmel, forgot to rejoin Vocal Adrenaline, and forgot there was a life outside of Rachel Berry.

Started 5/5/10 –Completed 5/8/10

A/n: So, I was asked by a lot of people to continue _The One You Warned Me About _and _Like an Angel Sighing_, so since I don't do two-shots both of them are now three-shots. Yeah…I caved to you all (sweatdrop)… (Look forward to Part II of both next weekend, and hopefully chapter 4 of _Meet Me on the Equinox _tomorrow)

This story was done because I'm sick of the show effing Rachel over and I just wanted to make her angry. And lash out. And I don't want her to be sorry about it. And because I didn't want a happy story. Hahaha!


End file.
